Lately, I notice how strong the need to control others has become, and how often it hides behind good intentions.
A Hike That Showed Me the Need to Control Others
I started noticing it earlier this summer while hiking with my dog. A woman stopped us and wanted to check that I had water for him. She mentioned there was no water at the top of the mountain, that the south-facing side gets hot, and that a dog had died up there last year.
To be honest, it annoyed me. For one, it was clear that I had plenty of water. You could see it in my bag. It was also early in the season, and it just wasn’t that sunny or hot. And I get triggered when people don’t think I know what I’m doing.
At the top, I found some shade and relaxed with my partner and the dog. We had a rest and a snack. Again the woman walked by, this time declaring, “I bet the dog likes that shade!”
What got under my skin is that I was quite aware of the situation I was hiking into. The weather was fine, and the dog wasn’t hot. In fact, he wanted to keep hiking. We were the ones who wanted a break.
What the woman really wanted was for no one to ever take their dog on this hike again. I can imagine why. I hate to see animals suffer, so if I could prevent it, I would want to as well. The dilemma is that she was responding to her pain by trying to control other people, all while telling herself she was doing a public service and being the hero.
Instead of telling us what happened last year and that it made her sad, she made a passive-aggressive comment. Maybe she hoped it would steer our behavior, or that we’d feel the sting of her judgment, or that we’d learn we were wrong and she was right.
Why Good Intentions Turn Into the Need to Control Others
Often, good intentions show up as the need to control others.
Even when the intention comes from caring, the underlying belief is that others are not responsible or trustworthy. So we try to prevent wrongdoing through control, rules, or passive-aggressive comments.
This is showing up everywhere in the world today, in politics and public life alike. Unfortunately, common sense and morality cannot be legislated. They have to be understood.
The woman was searching for peace from the situation that caused her pain last year. But in her attempt to find resolution, she is stuck in perpetual pain. There will always be another person hiking the trail with their dog. It isn’t pointless to educate, but it is pointless to try to control. All it does is re-traumatize her each time she sees another dog go down the trail.
This pattern is everywhere, and I see how much I do it too. I make suggestions about other people’s health. I set up situations so they will go the way I want. I make up rules to get people to do what I want. It’s natural, but we have to become mindful of the when, why, and how if we want to move beyond this story.
How to Restore Trust in Others
The lesson is this: if we hold others in distrust, we are asking for evidence that we are right, and so people show up and do things that are irresponsible.
When we hold others with trust and integrity, we are giving permission for it to be so. To restore trust in others, we start by noticing the moment we reach for control.
Lisette Larkins says, “Build yourself a bridge for a new tomorrow by holding confidence in someone else, and in that way, you will hold confidence in yourself.”
Moments like this show how easy it is to slip into control when trust feels shaky, with others and with ourselves. Strengthening your intuitive awareness helps you respond from clarity instead of fear, so connection can replace the need to control others.
When the Need to Control Others Slips Into Your Sessions
If you’re a practitioner, the urge to control can show up in your work too: steering a client’s process, pushing for the outcome you want, or quietly doubting they can find their own way.
The Way of the Hollow Bone Master Healer Certification is a nine-month path for healers ready to hold clients in trust, facilitate with them rather than for them, and walk beside people as they reclaim their own power. Apply now if you’re ready to guide from trust instead of control.